So we are almost at the end of a kind of nasty divorce. It has been a terrible marriage literally from day one. I woke up the day after I got married and knew I had been taken. I though things would change. I always thought they would get better and that God would turn things around. I married in disobedience to God and that is not what happened. I have stopped asking myself, though, how I could be so ignorant? "Why didn't God put me with the woman I was after and wanted to marry before that?" and other whys.
I know I am responsible for all of my decisions. About two years ago or more we were in marriage counseling for the third time and I use the term loosely. It was mamby pamby "let's learn how to communicate" counseling. We were communicating well. i was saying, "I have these issues, needs and grievances and my wife was saying basically, "I don't give a shit". By her own admission in her journal she admitted, I had really tried to please her.
She just refused to be satisfied and happy (me saying this not her). Well while in counseling it came to my attention that she was dating someone she hired at her job. It also came to light what I already new from two previous counselings that she was not vested in change of looking at herself but as she said during our 2nd to last therapy, "that's why we are here, for you to get fixed". Mamby pamby counselor called her on the carpet way too late at our last session.
I would suggest to any married couples going through difficulty not to go to marriage counseling before individual counseling to identify your own culpability and the real issues at hand. Or counselors before this were not bad at getting to issues, such as trust and laying out a plan of corrective action. Wifey would never do it but they can't control that can they?
I tried over the years to every now and again get her to go to personal counsel as it was apparent that she had serious issues. One issue is hatred for her father that she takes out on any man that exerts himself in anyway. Wow! what a no brainer. Doesn't like her father? Stay away! She has totally emasculated her 22 year son who already has apparent developmental challenges. I gave her months after I knew about it.... trying to talk to her and such and as usually she had nothing to say. The difference was that she feigned powerlessness. This is kinda tricky because her low self-esteem gives her this attitude of powerlessness which she can't admit so here she was faking the feeling or powerlessness she really felt....never mind! She felt she had a lifeboat boyfriend. In December she called me at work to see how I would feel if she went out "with another man". Would have been a nice question months before while they were staying out late talking hours on the cell phone, ignoring her daughter yada yada. I went home and told her I wanted a divorce. At last I felt there was now hope and I knew there was no foundation to rebuild anything. I was tired of the abuse. I was tired of my daughter and stepson seeing an absolutely sick relationship to model. Initially, I tried to get a dissolution to no avail and so now it's divorce court.
Anyway I have been totally involved in my daughter's upbringing. I love everything about being a father except being her mom's husband. We could not agree on family parenting so we had to go to "Family Conciliation Services." They have a really difficult job trying to decide what is best for kids in situations like ours. My wife got to me in one of the sessions as she told bald face lies and misrepresented many many things. How could they possible know what was the truth? They couldn't especially with my wife who has spent her entire marrried life anyway being insincere and living a lie. It seemed apparent that many things she said she actually beleived. If I hadn't journaled things at the time they happened throughout our relationship I would think they didn't happen at all. That is how convincing she is and I think that shows the depths of her denial.
They, the Family Conciliation People are severely crippled and probably have crippled many children through their extreme bias against men and to my way of thinking, Black men. I would also point out that it seemed to be a department of all women. I have been educating my daughter and trying to instil all kinds of values that mom does not have. She is exposed to adult content by her mother and one of her family members, Her son has introduced her (she is six) to pornography and has an issue himself. She holds social life above education. Once at a family gathering we were talking about our desires for daughter and kids in general. you know, doctor, teacher yada yada. My cousin mention valedictorian of college graduating class and mom proudly said that her daughter would be prom queen.
So all of this issues were brought out and the final report says that I am unstable (not mentally) and I don't pay the bills (untrue). They completely ignored the adult content, andy character issues and there was no thought whatsoever given to the pornography issue. ONe of the counselors didn't like me from the start. Think I have a chip on my shoulder? Not! She managed to turn her back to me and not my wife in our conferences even though I was sitting right next to my wife. Her face contorted everytime I spoke. She cut me off frequently. She look mostly at my wife and would glance at me occasional, I guess to be inclusive and one occasion she joined in with my wife on the unstable thing. I explained to her I would be living in Shaker or Cleveland Heights but that I couldn't get a place until wife had refinanced and afforded me the opportunity to sign off on a quit claim.... In one ear and out the other, plus this wasn't her first day on the job, she knew what the deal was.
Daughter could be a great student and life long learner but right now I am relegated to Thursday through Sunday every other week and 2 midweek visits. My lawyer feigned being unhappy and feeling it is unjust. I think it's just that he doesn't like to lose. Daughter loses though, not me or him. I should acknowledge that it is possible that this is what is best for daughter at this time for whatever reason... I can't see it, but it could be!
I was talking to a friend of mine who is a divorced mom and she told me, "Ohio is a mom state and you can be a crack whore and still get the kids." Well "my baby's momma" is more a child crusher than a crack whore but I'm not missing the point.
My lawyer said the same thing. Well it didn't actually mention crack whores but he said the courts favor mothers in one breath and in the next told me the magistrate and judge I have fit the profile to a tee. It is much more than favor. According to my lawyer they have preconceived ideas of the outcome... as I said, at least the particular judge and magistrate I have been assigned.
Do I sound pissed? Do I sound upset? Am I blaming Family Conciliation, my lawyer, "the man" or in this case "the woman"?
No
God controls everything or God wouldn't, couldn't be God. That's where the buck stops. So I am deciding whether or not to go to court for a custody battle. In court I could possibly fair better. Wife and witnesses might be less inclined to lie and avoid perjury... or not. The same prejudice against men and particularly Black men would still exist. When I told my lawyer about the plight of Black me in the sytem he gave me a white, blank stare. "does not compute! does not compute!" He sorta felt me but some denial laden disbelief kept him from really rapping his mind around it.
Shamefully enough there are a great number of Black woman like my wife and some of her divorced single friends who love dick and hate men. The court system is helping our sick Black community stay sick and grow men haters and women haters also. But ultimately, what the hell is God doing? He can have any outcome he wants for my daughter and he is choosing this: She gets this Thursday- Sunday every other week plus two mid-week visits.. I have grown a lot spiritually and years ago I would have turned my back on God and stopped seeking him and trusting him and started pouting and being angry with him for a long, long time.
Now I am endeavoring to walk in what I say I believe and trust God knows what is best and that he has a plan for me, wife, daughter, stepson... Unfortunately I believe he has planned for "X" amount of folk to go to hell by creating them fully knowing they would rebel to hell.
I must say I am at a point where I think it is not possible for God to use me (contradictory?) for great things. I don't trust God to ever deliver me from the consequences of my actions. I don't trust God to every make trials more than not giving me more than I can bear. I don't think I will ever be able to walk in wisdom. I am too weak. Strong in many areas but weak where it counts.
So God will never leave me nor forsake me and cavalierly I think, "big deal!" Heaven is in the bag and I'm not gonna be of much use down here. Hell why stay? This is not a cry for help and I am not suicidal. I do have depression and am taking prozac for it. Wow! What's that about? Why pray? The prayers of a righteous man does a lot of good according to the bible. I don't see it. I've had a handful of miracles since 1978 which is when I became a head over heels follower of Christ. Were they really miracles? Reality. What is it and where is it? Reality: truths and situations that are not subject to change.
Well I guess the point is relationship with God. God is God and I am not. In that relationship he can do what the hell he pleases and I am at his mercy. He has a right to be. He paid the price to be and he loves me. Whether i see it or not something in me tells me to come to grips with that. Should I not accept cursings as well as blessings from the creator? Should I not willingly put my life in God's hands and trust and follow and obey no matter what?
There is an inner voice that flies in the face of all of the circumstances that come against, disappointments in God, failures due to character like cowardice and rebellion, deceitfulness of riches and more. that voice is the key. Follow it or die. this walk is not fun. I see Christians around me enjoying life, victory in Christ, finances, domestic happiness... not to be confused with bless and a virtual cakewalk.
As I look back at my closest walk with Christ I have to say that it was just O.K. Islands of emotional highs that can easily be explained away. So what, I feel God because I cry in church, I "lead someone to God", I accomplish things, I make it through trials, I help others. So what!? I want to know God and walk with God, HERE on earth, NOW and I know I never will.
Shit.
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